Ninja Crack
by The-Caitiff
Summary: My silly one shot folder for stories in the Naruto universe.
1. Gaara Tries Something New

Disclaimer; I do not own Naruto, Gaara, or anyone else.

* * *

The mission was going badly, Naruto realized. Perhaps he should not have insisted on tackling it alone, but whatever mistakes he had made in the past it was the present that he was having the most trouble dealing with. He'd succeeded in killing the enemy shinobi but was badly wounded in the effort. As he lay there slowly regenerating his two broken legs and a sucking chest wound, he only hoped that backup would arrive soon.

"Uzumaki!" Naruto heard a feminine voice exclaim and momentarily Temari appeared in his field of vision. "Gaara, Kankuro, get over here!"

Soon Naruto could see the three sand siblings standing before him and evaluating his wounds. Gaara was downright creepifying with his emotionless and impersonal gaze. Slowly the infamous demon container smiled and a light began to shine dimly in his eyes.

"I am experiencing strange urges," Gaara informed his siblings. "I do not understand them."

"Like when you want to kill someone?" Temari ventured.

"Yes, but different," Gaara studied the leaf ninja carefully. "It is not the urge to crush him in a sand coffin, nor the urge to use him as target practice for my kunai, nor the urge to drive a spike through his middle watch as he dies slowly. Perhaps it is the urge for something new."

"Would you like me to kill him so we can move on?"

"No!" Gaara's hand flashed out to stop his sister. "Whatever it is I want from him, I will take it myself. Yes, I want something, that's it. What does he have that I want?"

Naruto tried to speak, but the number one noisy ninja of Konoha could only manage a gurgling wheeze.

"Gaara, we have a mission," Kankuro reminded him.

"Very well," Gaara pulled a kunai from his pouch and slid it across Naruto's throat before stripping the ninja of his possessions. "I will sort out whatever it was I wanted later."

Within moments the three were flashing from branch to branch as they ran through the forest. Something was troubling Temari however.

"Gaara, what did this urge feel like?"

"Like I was hollow inside," Gaara said after a moment's thought. "I saw that we were the same and I wanted something from him. It made my chest ache and the world seem bright at the same time. I felt the overpowering urge to do something and I knew it involved Uzumaki."

"I think maybe you wanted a friend," Temari told him.

"Oh," Gaara thought about it for a moment then shrugged. "I guess I do not need the burden of his possessions then. Remind me to bury him if we ever come back this way. I think a friend would do that."

* * *

A/N; Don't know where this came from, but the idea of Gaara making friends was funny. Anytime you try something new you are bound to make a few mistakes along the way. 


	2. A Father's Best Friend

Just a quick crack-fic I came up with.

Disclaimer; All the characters and places belong to their rightful owners. I just abuse some of them.

00000

"Kiba!" Naruto waved to his friend as he walked onto the training field with a cooler over one shoulder. "So rumor has it you finally got a piece of tail, come on bro, details!"

"Well not really," Kiba scratched his head sheepishly. "I was walking through the market the other day and what do I see? There was this girl bending over, and I swear to kami that ass was out of this world!"

Naruto tossed him a bottle of water and leaned back against the tree while drinking his own, "Is that so?"

"Hell yeah! So I did what any man worth his rocks would do. I accidentally bumped into her and grabbed me some!" Kiba thrust his hips a bit and mimed a grope.

"You didn't," Naruto scoffed disbelievingly.

"Dude, trust me it was worth it," Kiba finished off his water and Naruto handed him another, "I never got to see who it was though. She screamed and then slapped me so hard I didn't even notice when she ran off."

"Kami you're such a pervert," Naruto punched his arm a little harder than was really necessary. "It's no wonder the girls complain that men are dogs."

"Hey, it's not my fault, I'm an Inuzuka!" Kiba slurred ever so slightly towards the end.

"Speaking of dogs and Inuzukas, I know you've got a technique to make Akimaru look like you but can you look like a dog?" Naruto unsubtly changed the subject.

"Of course," Kiba drunkenly boasted, "Watch this!"

Kiba performed a handsign and in a puff of chakra smoke he became a small white puppy. Unfortunately for him, with a smaller body mass the subtle poison Naruto had given him in the second bottle of water worked even faster and he soon fell unconscious at Naruto's feet.

"Sorry Kiba," Naruto said as he scooped up his friend's body, "but a mission is a mission and this really is for your own good."

OOOOO

A few hours later Naruto bowed before the man who hired him and waited for the paycheck, "Operation Leg Humper was a complete success Hiashi-sama. The target was delivered to the veterinarian and the procedure went off without a hitch."

"The Hyuga Clan thanks you for your assistance with this A-class mission Uzumaki-san," Hiashi passed Naruto an envelope containing several thousand ryo and gave a polite half bow of appreciation.

"My pleasure," Naruto said with a wicked gleam in his eye, "No one touches Hinata-chan like that!"

"For once we are in complete agreement."

"By the way, while I'm here..." Naruto looked a bit bashful and avoided his client's eyes, "That is to say... I'd like to ask your permission..."

"NO!" Hiashi bitch-smacked the teenager before he'd even managed to finish his question. He didn't hold back his strength however and the blond genin was sent sailing right through the paper thin walls of the family estate and off of the property.

OOOOO

A few hours later Kiba woke up in a vomit scented alley behind a local bar. Much to his surprise he had some sort of plastic cone around his neck that seemed several sizes too small. A sudden terrible thought went through his mind and ever so slowly his hands went south.

All of Konoha was woken up moments later by a terrible and frightening cry of soul shattering despair. Instinctively men around the village cringe slightly while one father cackled in evil glee.


	3. Gaara's Friend

Disclaimer; I do not own Naruto or any associated characters.

* * *

The sound of his window creaking open woke Naruto from his drugged sleep and his senses instantly went to "holy-crap-Gaara's-smiling-please-don't-kill-me" paranoia. This was oddly appropriate since when Naruto was finally able to wriggle himself over enough to see the window, he noticed a thin trickle of sand working it's way into his hospital room. Slowly the sand began to form a clone of Gaara and Naruto tried desperately to reach the button that would summon a nurse.

"Naruto-kun," Gaara crooned disturbingly, "I am... pleased that you survived."

"ANBU found me," Naruto scratched out through newly regrown vocal cords, "Kyubbi no Kitsune refused to let me die."

"That is fortunate."

"Why did you come here?" Naruto asked.

"I wanted a friend. Can I be forgiven for spilling your blood?"

Naruto just stared at the mentally ill demon vessel and tried to nod against the restraints that held him flat on his back in the bed.

For the first time anyone could remember a true smile formed on Gaara's face as he looked at his new friend. "You may come stay with my family if you wish. We could have... a sleepover."

"Thanks," Naruto was a little disturbed by the conversation so far but on the other hand he'd never been invited to spend the night at a friend's house before either, "I'm supposed to be training with Ero-sennin though. We got separated when one of his spies was attacked and that's when you found me. He's should today to unlock my seal so I can heal myself again and then we'll be heading back out into the wilderness."

Gaara looked puzzled, "He locked your seal so you did not have access to the Kyubbi's chakra? How can you survive?"

"Yeah, Ero-sennin says that if I can't be a great ninja without the Nine Tails then I'm not really a good ninja with it. I'll never give up until everyone in the village acknowledges me as the best, the future Hokage!"

"Then we will train together," The sand around Gaara's clone swirled in a frenzy before the sand and clone exploded in a dust cloud through which the real Gaara entered, "Friends share secrets so I'll show you how to control it's power. Without the demon you can be a Kage, with it you could be a Legend!"

00000

Much later Jiriaya strolled into the Hospital after a fulfilling day of research at Konoha's finest hot springs. Because he assumed he was safe on home territory he somehow missed the increasingly worried looks from the staff as he got closer to the room where Naruto was staying. The last hallway was deserted entirely and he finally took notice once he caught a whiff of something odd.

Throwing open the door to Naruto's room he charged in to see the two demon containers pointing out the window at something in the courtyard and laughing, "What in the hell is going on in here?"

Hearing his sensei bellow, Naruto almost started bouncing. He was so excited, "Ero-sennin, you'll never believe it! This is so amazing, you've got to unlock my seal!"

Jiriaya was beginning to worry if that might not be a good idea, he could hear screams of panic from the courtyard, but he definitely needed his student healthy and whole again as soon as possible. Reluctantly he made the appropriate handsigns and punched Naruto in the gut, "Five Points; Unseal!"

Instantly Naruto's wounds began to heal and Jiriaya could sense a massive surge of chakra, "So what was so exciting it had you jumping about in spite of your injuries?"

"Gaara showed me a super awesome secret!" Naruto's eyes flashed red for an instant and the tree outside was consumed in a blast of flames, "I can set things on fire, **with my mind!**"

* * *

A/N; I blame this one entirely on the fic "Chunnin Exam Day" by Perfect Lionheart (go check it out!) because Gaara in that story is by far more awesome than anything ever concieved by mortal men. Thus Perfect Lionheart must secretly be a Highlander. 


	4. Naruto's Other Job

Disclaimer; I don't own these characters. I just give them exciting new day jobs.

A/N; This Gaara and Naruto buddy fic just won't leave me alone. I keep coming up with more things I'd like to see them do. My whole inspiration for this bit was "Gaara wants to learn Shadow Clones". Everything else just sort of happened.

A/N 2; Concerning the "Gaara's Friend" series, It all (so far) takes place during time skip. After the events of the last snippet, they are travelling together and studying under Jiriaya since most of the original reasons (Akatsuki) also pertain to him. As for Gaara's position in Suna... I suddenly got an idea about that so we'll see it later.

00000

"Naruto, does sensei seem a little off lately," Gaara pointed at Jiriaya who was smashing his head against a wall and moaning about lost opportunities and traitorous apprentices.

Naruto snickered a bit, "He's just jealous. He finally discovered the real reason I was asked to leave the village for a while."

"We are on this journey to advance our ninja skills and gather information about the Akatsuki menace," Gaara supplied confidently, "Surely as the leader he should know our purpose."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head in chagrin, "Well, those are both good side benefits but really the Godaime just wanted me out of the way until the crisis died down a bit."

"Which crisis?"

"Well you see, when nobody would acknowledge my skill as a ninja I kind of decided to try something different."

Gaara sighed dramatically, Naruto could never do anything so boring as to try something normal, "What did you do?"

"I sort of became a pimp," his friend admitted.

"Explain," Gaara was mentally thanking Kami that Jiriaya had modified his own seal a bit as normally he probably would have killed the blond by now. Finding a new best friend was hard enough, but if word got out that he killed his last one...

"Not really though!" Naruto was quick to assure him, "It's not like I was pimping out little girls or anything, I was just a bit creative in solving a few relationship problems."

"It all kind of started as a prank and then it spiraled out of control," he explained, "Sakura and Ino were arguing about who would get to ask Sasuke on a date. I formed a kage bunshin gave him a quick henge and tied him in ropes. Thus equipped I revealed myself and offered to sell the helpless clone to the highest bidder. Some of his other fangirls miraculously appeared and the bidding got really crazy."

"The Hokage sent you into exile because you auctioned a disguised clone to a bunch of obsessed little girls?" The sand ninja gave Naruto a disbelieving look.

"No, that's just how it got started. Heck they never even realized the clone was a fake. Sakura and Ino were forced to team up to match the bids I was getting. After paying me more money than I make in a month, they took the clone to Sakura's house for some kissing practice. They were going to go a bit further but once they untied him and removed his shirt they started fighting about who got to go first and my clone got bored and left." Naruto shrugged. "The next week I sold Ten-Ten a bound and gagged Hyuuga Neji for almost as much and the Lonely Kuniochi Escort Service was born. For a small fee I would hunt down, capture and provide anyone a lonely woman might want. Any body type, hair color, or occupation they might like, even some of the more famous shinobi, for select clientele only of course. Or at least so I claimed. Mostly I just sent out clones under a henge unless the client was particularly hideous."

"And when the men found out they demanded you be exiled," Gaara finished, "I can see why a legendary pervert like Jiriaya might be upset."

"No, Oba-chan sent me away because there was something of an economic crisis. I started the business under an assumed name so no one ever even thought it might be me selling clones since they are far too chakra intensive for most people to even attempt. I'd often get enormous bonuses on top of my already impressive rates. Suddenly almost half of the village's earnings were going to me and I wasn't commissioning new missions."

"So why does Jiriaya-sensei keep calling you a traitor?"

"I only ever gave a discount to two of my clients," Naruto supplied with a devious grin, "Hyuuga Hinata visited at least three times a week if she was in town and she only ever asked for me. I'd show up, give her a hug maybe a kiss on the cheek and she'd pass out every time, she makes the cutest little noises just before she goes too. Just didn't seem right to keep charging her full price. The other was Tsunade."

Gaara blinked, "The Godaime Hokage went to a gigolo?"

"Hey, don't judge my profession. I provided a service to women in need. What really upsets Ero-sennin was that Tsunade was drunk at the time and requested that I hunt Jiriaya down to be her personal man slave." A fresh set of wails greeted this revelation and Jiriaya could be heard swearing off virtually every vice in the world if only he could be given a second chance. "Well I looked all over for him, I really did. I visited every bath house and strip club in Konoha calling his name but I just couldn't find him. So finally I gave up and went in on my own."

"I was with my publisher! Why didn't you send me a message with a toad? Why, Kami, why?"

"I see," Gaara used his sand to form a giant hand and drag the Sannin out of the room and changed the topic slightly. "While we are on the subject, this shadow clone technique, is it a difficult skill to learn?"

"It is technically an A ranked forbidden technique," Naruto admitted, "because it consumes so much chakra it can be dangerous even to jounin who are not prepared."

"But for a jinchuuriki who has too much chakra to control normally," Gaara prompted. "Suppose they had so much they could not produce a regular bunshin because they always overloaded it."

"There is an even more powerful version called the Taju Kage Bunshin," Naruto grinned evilly, "Normally an S ranked suicide technique because a normal ninja would have to open all eight gates to make it worthwhile, but it can produce hundreds of solid clones. Even without opening the first gate I can use it to produce almost a thousand."

"While our sensei is otherwise indisposed, I ask that you teach me," Gaara bowed low for a moment. "Akatsuki expects me to rely on my power over sand and they expect you to rely on mass attacks with clones. Likely they have devised strategies against both approaches. I have taught you how to use the Kyuubi's power over fire. Imagine how much it will terrify them to see a thousand fire breathing clones forcing them to move into your traps instead of out of them."

"Or a thousand clones wearing sand armor to prevent them from being dispelled," Naruto cheered brightly. "Or what if you made a clone covered in explosive tags, then sand armor? One of my clones could melt the sand into glass, then you activate the tags... Boom! Lots of shrapnel and hot fiery death! Oooooh! Better yet, hundred of explosive shrapnel clones, and we blow up my clones too even if they don't have lots of glass shrapnel! We could give them lots of shuriken and senbon!"

"That's not very subtle," Gaara criticized.

"Screw subtlety," Naruto was back in his element as Konoha's Number One Unexpected Ninja, "I can't beat Uchiha Itachi in subtlety anymore than I can beat that fish guy in swordsmanship. I just don't have the control for it. But I do have insane powers of regeneration and you have unbreakable defenses."

"And hordes of lonely women eager to do your bidding," Gaara reminded him.


	5. Insomnia Style Revealed!

Disclaimer; If there are any Gaara fans in the audience, I apologize. Surprisingly enough this was a very easy chapter for me to write when it came to Gaara.

* * *

Nearly a year after Naruto and Gaara had joined forces and another four months since Naruto and Jiriaya left Konoha the trio was surprised to see a team of ninjas bearing the banner of the Kazekage approaching the camp. Following protocol for ninjas of different villages meeting in the field, the Sand contingent halted their advance and stood in the open so they'd be seen but wouldn't be mistaken for hostiles. Once all three members of both teams were standing ready in front of their camps, a single Sand jounin approached with a scroll under his left arm and a package in his right.

"Gaara-sama we come with urgent news," the jounin was clearly excited as he bowed low and kneeled before the demon container.

"Baki-sensei," Gaara acknowledged.

"The Council has finally decided," Baki cried, "They've made a decision about the Godaime Kazekage!"

"And he is giving me a mission?"

Without another word, Baki's burden was presented to Gaara. Inside he found the long white cloak and matching hat bearing the kanji for wind. Gaara donned the cloak and performed a quick kata to test its flexibility.

"This is a very nice robe," Gaara said, "I think I like it."

"I was always partial to the hat myself," Naruto admitted. He soon found himself holding said hat as Gaara tossed it his way. With a grin the blond boy slapped it on his head, "Just as awesome as I knew it would be!"

"But Kazekage-sama," Baki spluttered, "How can you allow a ninja not of the Wind to wear part of the uniform."

"I am not the Kazekage."

"Kazekage-sama! The Hidden Village in the Sand needs you!" Baki cried. "We need a strong leader who can let our enemies know we should be feared."

"I will not be the Kazekage," Gaara repeated.

"You must! It is the will of the Village! As a Suna shinobi you cannot refuse when the Village and the Council need you most." Baki declared and thrust forward the scroll.

"Is that so?" Seeing his former sensei nod, Gaara pulled a kunai from his holster and scraped it across his forehead protector in a slow and obvious manner. His voice was triumphant as he re-stated his position in two simple words, "Missing Nin."

The sand jounin had obviously not prepared a response for this and if it were possible his jaw would have hit the ground. Finally after alternating between staring at the scratched forehead protector and the Leaf nin now showing off his pilfered hat to a group of small toads for a while, Baki accepted defeat and retreated to tell his superiors about the slight change in their mission plan. This would not go over well.

There was a lot of yelling coming from the Sand campsite that night but one of the other two jounin, presumably the leader for this mission, approached the Leaf camp the following morning. This particular jounin, a man named Takeda, was known for his persuasive skills, and for what was called in polite circles "aggressive persuasion", and was clearly not in the mood for a negative response. Gaara however was not particularly known to be open to persuasion. In fact usually when the words "Gaara" and "listen to reason" appeared in a mission report they were separated by words like "wouldn't" and followed by something resembling "and killed him anyway." Given the chance, Morino Ibiki would like to invite both ninjas over for tea but oddly the invitations were always refused or lost in the mail.

"Sabuku no Gaara," Takeda wasted no time once he was permitted to enter the Leaf camp, "You are hereby ordered to return to Suna. Your actions in the past year and loyalty to the Village will be reviewed by the council."

"I have other goals to attend to," the redhead stated.

"You don't have a say in the matter. Baki and I are both Jounins, and with Chiyo-sama along we can suppress even _His_ influence."

"Is that so?" Gaara found himself slipping into his old mentality with disturbing ease as his killing intent lashed out. "How telling then that it was never attempted before. Now why would anyone want some**_thing_** like me running around completely out of control if they had a way to prevent it? Either you are lying or a sadist."

Two fingers from each hand quickly formed a cross in front of Gaara's body and with a surge of chakra one hundred shadow clones formed a circle around both camps. The clones extended their arms with the palms up, making a lifting gesture. There was a rustling and cracking sound that accompanied the slight tremor that was shaking the very ground beneath their feet. Slowly the assembled ninja could see the entire forest around them shake and sink lower. With a start, Takeda realized that he could farther into the distance with every passing moment. The trees weren't sinking, the entire camp was being lifted hundreds of feet into the air by the combined actions of the sand controlling clones!

Gaara folded his arms across his chest and smirked at his countrymen, "Now let me inform _you_ of a few facts Higoroshi Takeda. If you disable my demon, you will all die. If you destroy my clones, you will all die. If I am rendered unconscious, you will all die. If you annoy me by insisting on making me the Godaime Kazekage, you will all die. Are you beginning to understand your situation?"

The sand nin nodded.

"Now will listen while I tell you why I will not be your Kazekage. I cannot be the Godaime Kazekage because I am destined to be the Nidaime Otokage!" Gaara's eyes took on a completely surreal gleam as he voiced his ambition.

"Not this again," Jiriaya sighed and went back to his tent. Clearly Kurenai's theory about a ninja's power versus their sanity deserved some serious thought, even if he was a glaring exception to the rule.

"Nidaime Otokage?" Baki wondered aloud, "But Orochimaru is still alive."

"For now," Gaara agreed.

"What can you get from being Otokage that being Kazekage cannot give you?" Chiyo asked. Maybe if they knew his motives they would be able to convince him to help them instead of turning his back on his village forever.

"Only the village of Sound could produce the ultimate song," Gaara explained logically. "Once I have that, my taijutsu style will be completely unstoppable."

"For the last damn time Gaara," Jiriaya's voice boomed out of his tent. "You were in a nightclub, not an underground fighting competition. Those boys were breakdancing, there is no such thing as the Insomniac Style."

"Screw you old man, we know what we saw!" Gaara yelled back. "Naruto, give me a beat!"

The visiting dignitaries could only watch in shocked horror as the blond jinchuuriki started making a variety of noises with his mouth hidden behind one hand and Gaara began to move. His feet became a blur as his body seemed to just flow from one position into the next, making it impossible to determine where a punch or kick should be directed ahead of time. Suddenly Gaara went into a headspin with his legs extended straight out from his body. "Insomnia Style; Thousand Kick Rotation!"

After spinning for an impossibly long time Gaara went into a freeze holding his entire body upside down with only one finger. He then went into a few windmills before springing back upright. He demonstrated his footwork a bit more before he moved into his final attack routine. Coming up from a nearly backbreaking dodge his body arched into an S shape and he rolled forward to head but his unsuspecting sensei, sending the man sprawling. "Insomnia Style; Worm of the Underworld!"

"Impressive," Chiyo said diplomatically.

"But far from perfect," Gaara sighed, "I must have the Perfect Song."

"I understand," Chiyo made a sign to Takeda that it was her turn to take a crack at persuading the teen, "But what are your plans for after you've defeated Orochimaru and secured this song? Are there any other goals you wish to pursue?"

Gaara contemplated for a moment. He'd never really given much thought to the future. Before he just lived in the moment and killed whoever he wanted, but since becoming friends with Naruto there was a lot less killing and a lot more... fun. If he wanted to continue having fun however there was still one big obstacle, "There is an organization made of Missing Nins called the Akatsuki. They are hunting for demon containers like myself and Naruto-kun. They will have to be destroyed."

"Is there any reason you would have to be Otokage to accomplish that?"

"Not particularly," Gaara admitted.

"Very well then," Chiyo straightened her clothing and motioned for the two Jounin to return to their camp. "If you would return us to the ground we will leave you now. Please keep the robe and hat as a token of our respect. Remember that if you ever have need of the Sand, you have only to ask."

Gaara nodded and without another word the floating chunk of land settled right back where it belonged and the clones dispersed. Without any further interaction the Sand contingent packed up their tents and quickly left the area. Once they were far from the campsite Takeda questioned the older woman.

"Chiyo-sama why are you allowing him to do as he pleases? The village needs a Kage."

"And they have one," Chiyo said patiently. "Suna is at war with Oto are we not? Gaara, the duly appointed Kazekage by the council, has stated his intention to invade and conquer Oto. We will simply tell the Council he is on an S ranked mission to Oto. It doesn't matter that it's a mission he gave himself if he is the Kage does it? Then once he has found his song, he will return to Suna and take his rightful place."

"But what about his claim to be a missing nin?" Baki asked.

"Oto was founded and is populated solely by missing nins," Chiyo explained. "Only the Kazekage can declare someone a missing nin, and conveniently enough Gaara is the Kazekage. We can simply say it was necessary to provide him a cover story for when he infiltrates Sound."

* * *

A/N; Gaara's lines just felt right in this chapter. Feel free to disagree but I like this one.


	6. Here Kitty Kitty!

Disclaimer; On behalf of the collective Naruto fanbase I would like to challenge Kishimoto's ownership of Naruto and his friends. Most of the time we treat them far better than he does... I would like to, but sadly I cannot. I don't own the characters, but I'd like to...

00000

When the trio of wandering ninja arrived in Kumo, the reception was not what Jiriaya was used to. Usually when he entered a village, people rushed to meet the legendary Toad Sage and author of the most successful book series in the Elemental Countries. Indeed much of his success as a spymaster was actually based around this celebrity. So having the ANBU guarding the gates scream and run in fear was something new. What made it more insulting was that apparently the ANBU hadn't even noticed him; instead the screams were proclaiming the arrival of the Bunshin Brothers and the need to evacuate the Raikage to safety.

Gaara just smiled and Naruto laughed. Jiriaya had worried himself sick when they first appeared side by side in a copy of Iwa's Bingo Book. Their defeat of Hoshigaki Kisame had attracted quite a lot of attention, but the duo took their inclusion in that book as a badge of honor. As other countries followed suit, they found themselves saddled with a name, the Bunshin Brothers. Their latest little side trip into Oto cemented their status as legends in their own right and bumped their ratings from A-class to S-class and made them the only S-Class genin in history. So it was that when the Godaime Kazekage and Sandaime Otokage (Naruto having won the hat from Gaara in a poker match) approached Kumo, everyone took notice.

The ANBU scrambled its best fighters to slow their approach but the traveling companions simply waited by the gates, not even bothering to enter the village. Instead Naruto set fire to a bushel of herbs while Gaara used a wind jutsu to spread the smoke throughout the village.

"Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!" Naruto called playfully.

"This is a really bad idea boys," Jiriaya warned for the hundredth time it seemed. "Just because you both turned out relatively sane doesn't mean the other Jinchuuriki will as well."

"That's why we brought the catnip," Gaara pointed out. "Every demon carrier that we warn is another Akatsuki will not catch unawares. Naruto and I cannot fight them all head on yet so we must prevent them from gaining power until our armies grow strong enough to overcome them."

"Sand and Sound, together again," Naruto cheered as he threw more catnip on the fire. The proclamation caused Jiriaya to shudder a bit in recall, but Gaara nodded in approval.

"There will be less betrayal this time," Gaara agreed. "And perhaps we will gain another ally in the Nibi's container."

A pair of arms drifted around Gaara's neck and a silky voice purred in his ears, "Only an ally Kazekage-kun? I think I could be convinced to be a little more than that."

Jiriaya and Naruto jumped in shock when they spun around and saw the blonde woman draping herself over Gaara.

"Very funny Naruto, now drop the Henge and get rid of your clone," Gaara demanded, "We are here for a reason."

"And I've found you," The blonde got a perverted grin on her face and one of her hands dips lower, "I wonder if it's true what they say about Tanuki..."

A second later Gaara's eyes went comically wide and his assailant was thrown through the gates by the sand he controlled. The long haired blonde was on her feet again in an instant and looked ready to do some violence before a cloud of catnip smoke wafted over her and she giggled a bit. Lightning struck the ground where she had been standing and when the flash dimmed the girl was gone. Lightning flashed a second time and Gaara found himself on the receiving end of a pounce from the shushined ninja. "It's all true!"

Jiriaya edged over to Naruto, "Think we should intervene?"

"No, if the Bastard's fans taught me anything it is not to get between a fangirl her target," Naruto told the older man.

"SHE'S HUGGING ME!" Gaara cried out in horror.

"But surely we should do something," Jiriaya argued. "I may never have agreed to teach him Gaara's not really a bad kid."

Naruto placed his hand on Jiriaya's shoulder and tried to lead him away, "Demon containers need their loving too. I think we should just give them a bit of privacy."

"Indeed, perhaps a strategic retreat is advisable," Gaara suddenly appeared next to Naruto. "Once we are far enough away I will use my ultimate technique. We can try again with the Gobi's container in Earth Country."

"Your ultimate technique? The same one you claim to have used to kill Orochimaru?" Jiriaya asked. "You still haven't told me what really happened when you two disappeared."

"The same," Gaara agreed, "Naruto used the skills he gained at his other job to deal with Orochimaru's bodyguard in the hallway and I went inside to finish the job."

Naruto smiled in memory, "Yeah, Tayuya-chan is a real freak. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that came out of her mouth."

"So what is this ultimate technique that will allow you to escape from Yugito-san?" Jiriaya pressed.

"Wait-till-he's-asleep no jutsu," Gaara said with pride. "Once the Nibi no Nekomata's container falls asleep, the clone I substituted with will disperse and we will be miles away."

"Wait, that's the epic story of how you became Otokage?" Jiriaya couldn't contain his shock. "My teammate, one of the greatest ninjas in history, died from a slit throat because he fell asleep? That kind of sucks."

"And since the ninja of Oto know that he can switch bodies, they just think he faked his death to throw off his enemies," Naruto completed the story. "They're so used to looking underneath the underneath that when something completely obvious, like an opponent killing their leader and taking his place, happens they refuse to believe it could be that simple."

Jiriaya looked from one teen to the other as they jumped and ran through a rocky valley, "You two are either the greatest ninja I've ever seen or the worst in history. I hate you both so much right now."

"Ahh, is the great Sannin jealous of the Dobe and his friend?" Naruto taunted before remembering a little aspect of the Kage Bunshin he may have forgotten to tell his friend about. "Ummm, Gaara you do know that when your clone disperses you are going to gain all his memories right? So whatever is happening back there, you are still going to experience it."

A look of horror crossed Gaara's face and he quickly formed a ram seal to cancel his jutsu. He turned a little green as the memories swarmed back to him. He felt so violated! He needed a bath so he could scrub away all the things she had done to his body. Far behind them a voice screamed in frustration and loss as her new toy was stolen from her.

"Run," Gaara left his companions in the dust as sand poured from his gourd and carried him away at an alarming rate.

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A/N; Should Yugito become a recurring character? I'm thinking of making her one but probably just as Gaara's constant nemesis/stalker/girlfriend.


	7. King Mob

The Iwa shinobi laughed when they saw the lone Konoha ninja carrying the Leaf's banner onto the field. The Village Hidden Among the Stones had sent five thousand samurai and mercenaries and four hundred of their best shinobi to wipe Konoha from the map forever. Konoha had sent a fifteen year old boy.

Hisaichi Terauchi, Commander of Southern Army, raised his hand to call his troops to a halt. This was not the way a war was supposed to happen. They'd sent the heads of three Leaf Spies along with a declaration of war to the Konoha Council three weeks ago, mustered an army and marched three quarters of the way without meeting any resistance. Now they received this slap in the face. One boy was supposed to stop them? He didn't even wear a chunnin vest.

Grumbling all the way, Terauchi walked across the field and extended his hand to the blond, "Hisaichi Terauchi, Jounin of Iwa, Commander of Southern Army."

"Uzumaki Naruto, Genin of Konoha," The boy introduced himself. "I'd like to apologize in advance for what I'm going to have to do here today. It is nothing personal, just business."

"Uzumaki-san, I think you have our positions reversed. I won't insult your honor by asking you to betray your village and join us, but I offer you this one chance; leave the field and we will not pursue you."

Naruto shook his head, "That is exactly what the Council wants me to do. If I leave I'll become a missing nin and hunters will be after my head as soon as there is one to spare. They deliberately gave me a suicide mission, hoping I would die or run. So I'm sorry Commander but, for my own safety, there is really only one thing I can do. I have to spank you all like overgrown babies."

Terauchi flinched at the blatant execution, then smiled when he heard Naruto's solution, "You expect to kill us all?"

"No," Naruto told him, "If I kill you all, the council will claim they sent a team or two of ANBU to do it after I deserted my post. Then they will get their execution anyway. If, however, I beat every last one of you into the ground without killing you... I won't be the only one they have to silence to cover up the truth."

"And just how do you intend to do this?" The Commander asked. "A unique bloodline, some flashy jutsu, extreme luck?"

Naruto laughed, "No, the village hates me far too much to teach me any useful skills. I am going to walk, slowly, across the field. Then, using nothing more than my fists, I am going to throw you a beating."

Terauchi turned and walked back to his men. He gave one final wave as he left, it was a shame the honorable ones had to die so young, "Good luck with that Uzumaki. I'll give the Council a few extra punches from you before I kill them."

Naruto smirked as his enemy returned to his army. It was time to send his village a message. This was their last assassination attempt against him, no more. They'd intentionally kept him ignorant so that one day he would die on a mission, well no matter. A jounin might be able to take ten or twenty rookie genin before one of them got in a lucky shot. He might even be able to kill a few hundred if every blow was a killing blow, but eventually even the strongest ninja will fall if the battle lasts long enough. But Naruto was no rookie genin and he could do one thing others could not. He had the Kage Bunshin and the Kyuubi No Kitsune, a being of limitless power. His fingers formed a familiar cross shape, "Let's get wild! Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"

In an instant, the land was blanketed from horizon to horizon with nothing but orange. Hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, there were clones standing on top of clones and more were appearing every second. The dim outlines of two tails could be seen behind the original Naruto and a third was slowly dimming. A fourth tail blazed into existence and the popping sound of clones being made grew to a deafening roar.

The more intelligent shinobi among the Iwa ranks came to a sickening conclusion. One thought came from many throats, spurring the others to action, "Attack! We've got to kill the original or we're all dead!"

It was a slaughter. A shot from a bow might kill three clones before it grew too slow to damage them, a kunai might get two. Those ninja who attempted to go hand to hand could only dispel one clone at a time but they left themselves open to retaliation from the near infinite supply of clones that just kept coming and had no fear of death. The only solution was jutsu that affected a wide area and they couldn't use too many of those without exhausting themselves or killing their compatriots. Any time a ninja got even remotely close to the original Naruto, who was still locked in fierce concentration, one of the clones in the rear would kawarmi into his place, keeping him far out of reach.

Slowly, the endless battle wore the invading army down. The mercenaries and samurai fell first of course, without chakra or jutsu to keep them going they fell under a hail of blows. The best of them managed to destroy a dozen or so clones. One by one the ninja fell either from exhaustion or knocked into unconsciousness. As more fell, the clones were able to isolate and overwhelm the survivors even faster. In the span of three hours, it was all over. It took Naruto five and a half tails of demon chakra and more clones than anyone could count but not a single death on either side.

As the clones began to drag their victims into orderly rows, Naruto grimaced and prepared to send his message. Other clones brought freshly chopped trees onto the field and stripped them of branches with swords they had liberated from the mercenaries. The next bit would be bloody but it had to be done. He ordered his clones to place one leg from each mercenary onto a log while a second removed it at the knee with a sword. The enemy ninja were each to lose a hand.

Naturally those who had surrendered to inevitability and taken their lumps were suddenly willing to fight all over again, but they just couldn't argue with numbers. Blades were heated with katon jutsus to cauterize the wounds and the bloody business went on as planned. Ignoring the pleas for mercy, Naruto explained why it was necessary.

"If I leave you all whole and alive," Naruto argued, "You can rest up and be in Konoha within a week. If I kill half of you, the war will be put off by several years but how would I choose who lives or dies? If I kill all of you the war might wait for a decade, but there will be no witnesses and I will be executed. If I take your hands, the war still has to wait a decade since you can no longer use hand seals for jutsu, but everyone gets to live."

When Hisaichi Terauchi finally came to the log, he did it under his own power but with a deep weariness in his eyes, "I understand the necessity Uzumaki-san, but there is no way to talk you out of it? Nothing I can give as a ransom and keep my career as a servant of the Tsuchikage?"

"I cannot leave an enemy behind that can later destroy my home. What assurances could you give me that would convince me you would not return to kill me later?" The original Naruto asked as he took up the sword from his clone.

"You could have killed us all but you let us live and it is clear that you don't enjoy the bloodshed, I think that you are a man of honor Uzumaki-san. I have a daughter, she shall stand hostage to my good behavior. The Tsuchikage will not wage war if his favorite niece is in the city to be destroyed, so long as she is not being mistreated that is," Terauchi pleaded.

Naruto thought about it for several minutes before setting the sword aside, "Tell them what happened today. Tell them how it could have ended. Iwa has suffered a great blow but Konoha is stronger than ever. When your daughter arrives with the delegation to negotiate peace, I will protect her with my life and I swear never to harm her."

As Naruto left the field to the Iwa nin, one of the crippled jounin could only whisper in awed horror, "All hail, King Mob. His name is Legion for they are many."

The title and nickname appeared in the next edition of the Bingo Book, along with the second ever "flee on sight" order in history.

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AN; I'm assuming that Kyuubi's chakra is only harmful if he has lots of it in his body. Above, he was getting rid of it as fast as he could so Kyuubi never gets the chance to take over his body.

I'm also assuming that the hundreds of kage bunshins in the forbidden scroll incident were all made from Naruto's chakra. Now add a few years of practice and nearly infinite chakra reserves that spanked an entire village at the height of its power.


	8. Brothers

The first time Naruto saw Sasuke after their fight at the battle of the end wasn't some epic battle or clash of titans. No, in their own ways both ninja were looking to escape for just a little while.

Jiriaya had given Naruto a trite little philosophical exercise and gone off to do some research at the hot springs. He told the young blonde to ask himself why he fought. In spite of Jiriaya's constant insistence that he needed to think things through, Naruto discovered that was a question he really did not want to answer and went looking for one of the great shinobi vices.

Sasuke was visiting the border town near rice country to pick up an intelligence report from one of the spies further into Fire Country. Orochimaru works him harder than Kakashi ever would have and Sasuke loves every minute of it. On this particular day however, he decided to enjoy his phantom freedom just a little bit and stop for a drink before heading back. He smirked as he saw a familiar blonde head and ordered a bottle of sake.

"Dobe," Sasuke drawled as he sat across from his former teammate and set the bottle between them.

"Teme."

"What, no demands that I return with you? No promises of unending pursuit?" Sasuke poured two drinks while mentally cataloguing the room's occupants and contents.

The next three rounds were drank in silence.

"You know that I have the demon fox sealed inside me," It wasn't so much a question as a statement.

"I figured it out eventually," Sasuke confirmed.

"Ever since I found out I have tried to deny that the Fox had any influence over me."

"Basic survival, the village already wanted you dead," the Uchiha agreed.

Naruto slugged back the last of the sake and called for another bottle. He sighed and suddenly looked tired for the first time Sasuke had ever seen, "What makes you feel alive?"

"Excuse me?"

"What really makes you feel alive Sasuke?" Naruto poured another drink for both of them, "What is the one thing in all the world that makes you really happy to be alive?"

"Family," Sasuked told him. "When I was a kid I loved my family. There were always so many cousins, aunts, and uncles that I never felt alone. Itachi destroyed everything I ever lived for, and though some people talk about their genin teams as family I just never felt that way in Team Seven."

"I did," Naruto told him. "Even though we fought, I used to think of you like a brother. Of the whole village I think you might be the only one who could ever understand me. Maybe Gaara, maybe not."

"Used to?" Sasuke asked.

"You left," Naruto said simply. "If you asked, I would have thrown myself at your brother as a distraction so you could kill him. If you asked, I would have followed you, even into Orochimaru's arms. But you never asked. We were a team and you left."

"And what do you live for Uzumaki?"

"I never thought about it until today. By the time I was six I was known as a prankster, always pulling off the completely impossible. I never once tried to hide who did it. I taunted them all. Chase me, find me, fight me, try to kill me, I never cared," Naruto looked his former teammate in the eyes. "Then I went to the Academy. They taught me how to fight, how to throw weapons, use explosives, and how to kill. Even though no one would practice with me, I knew something about this ninja thing just felt right."

"So you live to be a shinobi?"

"I always denied that I was anything like the Kyuubi. I was nothing like that engine of chaos and destruction. It was some sort of monstrous evil machine and I wasn't," Naruto looked away from Sasuke.

"But you are," Sasuke half stated half asked, "When you really go all out, holding nothing back, you are almost as unstoppable as it was."

Naruto nodded sadly, "I am. I live for battle, its like I was born to destroy anything I am placed in front of. I love the look in my enemies eyes when I do something they never expected. I love it when they do the same. In those moments, I finally feel alive. Either one of us could die at any moment and I love it. A fight with enemy ninja is the perfect expression of the chaos and mayhem that makes up my life."

Sasuke caught his eyes and simply stared into the blue orbs for a few moments. "I understand," And perhaps he did.

Naruto got to his feet and placed some money on the table, "So are we going to do this or did you already poison me with that first bottle of sake?"

Sasuke shook his head and turned for the door, "No, when I come to kill you, you will be upright, you will be armed, and you will be facing me."

Both boys couldn't help but smile as Naruto waved goodbye, "I'll look forward to it."


End file.
